Al-Baghdadi treated for wounds in Israel

ISIL leader Abu Bakr al-BaghdadiISIL leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

HAIFA – Leader of the Islamic State Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was treated for wounds sustained earlier in a US airstrike in a hospital in Haifa, Israel, according to an anonymous hospital employee. This was later confirmed to us by Israeli officials.

Al-Baghdadi suffered wounds to his pride and beard in a US airstrike in Mosul months ago, and reportedly opted for the high quality of the Israeli healthcare system while using a “temporary peace” loophole in Islamic jurisprudence, which is similar to the temporary marriage and allows Jihadists to temporarily collude with bitter enemies out of convenience. Al-Baghdadi himself confirmed this in a telephone interview: “Yes we do work tirelessly to poison their food and their water and to kill the kuffar where ever we find them and to slay their children and enslave their women and to burn their crops and to steal their livestock and to topple their temples. [we cannot confirm but have a strong suspicion that Mr. Baghdadi held his index finger in the air while saying this] But thankfully Allah clearly said that when the kuffar have something the righteous need, they should take it, and so I am taking their hospital treatment.” Mr. Baghdadi finished by saying that this does not mean that Israel isn’t ISIL’s greatest enemy, and that they will engage Israel as soon as they don’t have any more Muslims to kill.

Israel sees nothing wrong with treating the leader of the Islamic State. “First of all let me start off this conversation by saying that Israel has the right to exist. Secondly, we have been treating anti-Assad rebels for a while now, they’re quite nice people when they don’t yell ‘Death to Israel!’ all the time,” President Benjamin Netanyahu told us, and continued: “If we treat other rebels, refusing to treat Mr. Baghdadi would be discrimination, and we all know Israel never discriminates. We have oaths and conventions to adhere to, and the Hippocratic oath is no different, this man clearly needed out help!” Our interview with Mr. Netanyahu was then cut short and he excused himself due to his busy schedule, saying that there are urgent orders about the bombing of a UN hospital in Gaza that needed to be signed.

US President Barack Obama saluted Israel’s decision. He also expressed his wish for a speedy recovery to Mr. Baghdadi, and for him to return home to ISIL territory as soon as possible, so that the US can resume trying to track him down and eliminate him.