BREAKING NEWS: Oman does nothing again

Oman's capital Muscat, enjoying another evening of not much happeningOman's capital Muscat, enjoying another evening of not much happening

MUSCAT – Oman has done nothing again today, according to an official government statement.

“We would like to let our citizens, neighbors and the international community know that today the Sultanate of Oman has picked no side, joined no coalition, offered no voice of support or of condemnation to any particular state or group and in general committed to nothing on an international scale. We are still neutral in all matters and call for restraint in all matters between all sides, just like we were yesterday,” a statement by the spokesman of the Sultanate of Oman’s Ministry of International Discretion mentioned.

“Also, we would just like to remind that our Sultan is not not gay, he just likes his yachts pink, his belly dancers male, and his family nonexistent,” the spokesman also said.

According to the Ministry of International Discretion, Oman is still willing to act as a mediator and diplomatic bridge between opposing sides, “as long as they cross the bridge without staying on it or making eye contact”.

Oman has a long history of doing nothing, a stance that makes its Gulf Cooperation Council (GCC) neighbors more and more agitated.

A Saudi government official recently said: “Senegal, Nauru and Antarctica have joined our anti-terrorism coalition, but our first neighbor Oman thinks they know better? We specifically made them part of our coalition by adding them to the coalition’s Facebook group without their knowledge and they had the indecency to click on “Leave Group” almost immediately! They don’t even get our notifications now! Why are they not bombing Iranian terrorists in Yemen with cluster bombs in city centers, or heroically getting half their army blown up by a rocket in the name of curbing Persian Shia imperialism? Why are they not helping the freedom fighters in Syria, who under brutal Assad siege have to eat the livers of fallen soldiers on camera while calling for death to all Alawites in order to survive? Why did they not contribute to protecting the Sunni minority in Bahrain from the Shia hordes terrorizing them with peaceful marches supporting the extremist notion of Shia enfranchisement?”

Exiled President of Yemen Abd Rabbuh Mansur Hadi also criticized Oman for not intervening in Yemen on his behalf. “Our country is under attack by barefoot Iranian kuffar goat herders with ballistic missiles and our people suffer from lack of basic necessities, such as khat. Meanwhile our Omani neighbors think they’re Switzerland, with all their stability and everything. Oooh look at me, I’m so peaceful and stable! I didn’t have insurgency or a divided country in 40 years hurr hurr! I’m the best Arab country for women hurr hurr I’m so special! They think they’re so better than us just because Oman is the seventh best country to live in while Yemen is the 179th! Well tell me something Oman! Do you have a beautiful UNESCO city center in your capital city?! Well, neither do we anymore! At least we’re equal in something!” – President Hadi said.

Mr. Hadi even promised Oman that if it intervened in Yemen on his behalf, Yemen would help Oman convert all of its fertile land to growing the stimulant plant khat instead of food, just like Yemen has done many years ago. “Who needs food when you have khat? It gets rid of your appetite!” – Hadi said.

Qatar has called on Oman to “stop being boring” several times during the last half decade. “They never come to our parties, and we always invite them. First Oman said it has to wash its hair when we invited it to Libya, then when we invited it to Syria it declined because it had to try to get Iran and the US back together after they broke up 30-something years ago. They never even replied to our invitation to Yemen, and they live right next door too. I think they’re just jelly due to their lack of artificial islands and ski resorts in the desert. Get some slaves Oman! It’s easier that way!” – Qatar said.

Oman continues to maintain that in the political climate of the Persian Gulf and Arabian Peninsula, doing nothing is better than doing something. The Arab League of Al-Saud & Satellites is considering sanctions against Oman for passive non-aggressiveness, moderation extremism and regional enlightenment. Oman is also heavily criticized by Saudi Arabia for never beheading a south-Asian worker in living memory, Saudi Arabia saying that the country is definitely “heading in a worrying direction”.