TRIPOLI – The ghost of Libya’s ex-leader Muammar Gaddafi continues to regularly appear across the country and patronize the new authorities, local sources report.
Gaddafi’s ghost last appeared in his home town of Sirte yesterday, handing out viagra to local ISIL fighters. Two days earlier he appeared in Misrata and preached about Jamahiriya values and his unfinished business in that city, as well as reminded that everyone who doesn’t love him deserves to die. Three days before Misrata, he was spotted in the “capital of the revolution” Benghazi.
In Benghazi, a local managed to record him saying:
“Do you like living under traitors and Al-Qaeda now, dogs of America and misguided supporters of Qatari scheming? Are you missing the free electricity, water, bread, gas, education, healthcare, gold and silver, apartments, state of the art hospitals, best universities in the world, high-speed trains, monthly $300,000 cash handouts and personal sub-Saharan servants for every family, a new free car for every owner every 2 years, “buy one, get twenty free” policy for everything that you can buy, private airplanes with luxury bedrooms for everyone to use, every newborn child getting a free golden statue in my own image and of course my personal invention – the directest direct most democratic democracy, as outlined in my green book right after the first 90% which describes all the capital offenses?”
Another recording, also from Benghazi, has Gaddafi’s ghost saying:
“I have achieved what no man has for you! I built you a fucking big tunnel with water flowing through it! I gave you a better quality of life than Niger or Chad have! I protected Arabdom from those faux-ethnic desert gypsies that call themselves the Berber! I invented the marvelous engineering feat of bolting anti-aircraft guns to pickup trucks for all Arabs to use against oppressors.
I commanded glorious victories in Chad and Uganda with the lives of your children, and protected my co-defender of African glory, His Excellency, President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin Dada, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular!
I used my wits to make western financial vampires blush in the lie capital of the world known as the UN, as well as to expose the alpine world mafia, and I used my strength to crush American bombs with my residences and boil double agent housemaids without mercy!
Even in death, I exacted revenge on America’s number one crusader in Libya as well as took vengeance on the one who violated Libya and its people by forcibly removing it from my benevolent embrace! Even in death, I have orchestrated the Arab swarming of crusader lands and initiation of the Middle West project!
Tell me, you vile nation traitors, you filthy western prostitutes and disgraces for all Arabs, do you like your new Libya now, shattered like Pan Am Flight 103, festering like a corpse-filled septic pit in Congo and exploited like a cheap Honduracian whore?”
The Green Resistance applauded Gaddafi’s appearances and preaching, and reminded Libyans that they still exist and represent the true, externally suppressed wishes of the Libyan people. “We are fighting for the oppressed Libyans who all cry for Gaddafi’s return every day at their little hidden Gaddafi shrines in their houses when they’re not celebrating the anniversary of the revolution en masse because they’re made to. We all know what all Libyans really want, as they have shown at the massive pro-Gaddafi protest in Tripoli during the 2011 war when 29 million Libyans took to Green Square to in a show of support for the Colonel and 28.9 million of them died in a crush,” one of the two Green Resistance members said, and promised that their third-ever attack on post-Gaddafi authorities “is coming, probably before the next Star Wars movie”.
We haven’t been able to get in touch with Colonel Gaddafi’s ghost, however his long-time good friend, the ghost of Saddam Hussein, gave us a short interview in which he claimed Gaddafi’s biggest mistake was never using poison gas, adding that we should disregard the ghost of Hafez Al-Assad’s disagreement on the matter and his “overly orthodox” policy of dealing with rebellion. “Poison gas gets rid of the problem and still leaves everything beautifully intact for nobody to use, because bodies are dead and can’t use anything. His son Bashar would probably have gotten much less criticism about destroyed cities had he used gas more often. The only thing better to terrify your enemies with than dying in your sleep with a bang is dying in your sleep with nobody hearing,” – Saddam Hussein’s ghost said as it stared into the distance with a dreamy expression, then jerked back to reality and added: “But he had to sniff all that gas for himself, that was always his problem. He didn’t wear those sunglasses everywhere just for the looks. A pity he couldn’t keep such a stable country on the path of Arabdom. I mean, he didn’t even have Kurds.”
There are also those who claim that this being Colonel Gaddafi’s ghost is but more western propaganda against the still strong Libyan Arab Jamahiriya. Gaddafi’s on-the-run Minister of Information, Moussa Ibrahim, assured us that everything is fine in Libya and that Gaddafi and his government are still in power after having suppressed the rebellion in 2011, citing a Lizzie Phelan news article as proof. He claimed that scores of American airplanes were shot down after bombing 1,460,451 Libyan civilians to death.
We also paid a visit to Colonel Gaddafi’s son Saif al-Islam Gaddafi, who is in prison in Zintan. He wasn’t very keen to talk to us after we asked about the newly-missing fingers on his left hand, which after briefly looking at the guard he said was the result of a Green Resistance bombing of the prison.
Saif al-Islam only said that his father was the beacon of secularism in the Arab world and that the ISIL takeover of Sirte, his home town and strongest base of support in the country is a CIA-Mossad conspiracy to discredit his legacy.
We also tried contacting the current Libyan authorities for comment on Gaddafi apparitions across the country, however we were unable to figure out which of the current 19 local and regional governments claiming sovereignty on Libyan soil to contact.