JARABULUS – The Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant has reportedly beheaded everyone on the banks of the Euphrates river in Jarabulus, the most important ISIL-held Syrian city bordering Turkey. Sources on the ground tell us this was a decision taken in hope of making the Euphrates river red with blood, thereby making it literally Erdogan’s “red line” in Syria and thus preventing further Syrian Democratic Froces (SDF) advances against ISIL west of the Euphrates.
We remind our readers that Turkish President Erdogan has threatened the SDF last year that the Euphrates river is Turkey’s “red line” in Syria and that Turkey will attack the SDF if they cross west of it. Mr. Erdogan said this was to protect the Arab population from the Kurdish majority SDF’s dangerously clean human rights abuse record. “Surely if they are the only ones that never significantly violated human rights out of all the factions in Syria yet, it must mean that they are saving up for a really big violation in the future!” the Turkish President said during his last public speech, and continued: “This is why they are on our terrorist list and why ISIL is the most effective – and only – force fighting terrorism in Syria!”
However, the SDF has crossed the Euphrates after taking Tishrin dam from ISIL last month, while Turkey has done nothing about it, much to ISIL’s disappointment. “Maybe we should make another bombing attack on Turkish civilians in Turkey to help convince them that we are their friends and that they should protect us,” an ISIL fighter was quoted as saying at the time.
ISIL has supposedly concluded that the lack of Turkish action is because the Euphrates isn’t actually red. Now with an SDF offensive on the ISIL stronghold of Manbij looming, our anonymous source from ISIL has told us that the blood of “the kuffar” spilled in Jarabulus was supposed to redden the Euphrates downstream and thus close the loophole in Mr. Erdogan’s promise and make him act against the SDF.
However, the plan apparently didn’t go as intended. “The blood was supposed to turn the Euphrates red, but all it did is turn a small margin of the river red just downstream of Jarabulus, but then the blood disperses and the river turns blue again! We don’t need the river red only at Jarabulus, the SDF didn’t cross here anyway!” an ISIL commander told us over the phone, sobbing.
ISIL soldiers have reportedly also resorted to slaughtering livestock and spilling red paint into the river once they ran out of inhabitants, while at the same time desperately intensifying their search for red mercury. The most devoted ISIL fighters have also beheaded themselves on the banks of the river in the name of jihad, a decision applauded by its enemies.