ISIL evacuates Mosul amid pork contamination

Remote controlled robots were used to survey the city administration building after the contamination, though contact was lost after 15 minutes due to extreme levels of haramRemote controlled robots were used to survey the city administration building after the contamination, though contact was lost after 15 minutes due to extreme levels of haram

MOSUL – The largest city of the Islamic State has been evacuated after the presence of pork was discovered in a government office, local media has reported.

Material containing pork was reportedly discovered in an envelope mailed to the ISIL Mosul city administration. The person who opened the envelope was immediately killed by the exposure to pig meat, as were 16 other workers in the building. The survivors were later executed by ISIL for violating haram law.

“The Tricky Kurds did this, we know it, no one else would drop to such low levels!” – ISIL’s Governor of Wilayat Ninawa said in a statement, and accused western countries of double standards in their attitude towards the use of biological weapons.

“We have suspected that the Tricky Kurds are running a pork program for some time, it seems that we were right. Today Mosul has been slaughtered silently! They seem to have renounced all of their humanity!” – said the Governor, his Halabja campaign medal glimmering from his shoulder.

ISIL authorities say the first symptom of exposure is the shedding of facial hair and the growth of healthy teeth, and have urged anyone who thinks they may have been exposed to report for execution for haram immediately.

An ISIL offensive towards Mosul dam has started in an attempt to breech it in order to “decontaminate Mosul and the valley of haram, and send it southeast to the Persian hordes”.

This is the most serious such incident since scores of ISIL fighters laid eyes on unveiled Kurdish female fighters during the Battle for Kobane, which caused many to permanently lose eyesight and ultimately led to ISIL’s losing of the battle, which is widely and incorrectly attributed to US airstrikes.