RAQQA – The Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) has run out of stones, the Minister of Executions stated in a press release.
“Due to our good work, diligence and steadfastness in the fundamentals of our faith, the Caliphate faces a critical shortage of stones and now has to suspend all stonings indefinitely. May Allah forgive us,” the Minister of Executions said before he was demoted to SVBIED driver by Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.
ISIL supporters in the Caliphate are outraged by the news, and put the blame for the lack of stones on the US, Mossad and Kurdish trickery. “We all know that the US, Israel, Kurds, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Iran, Alawites, Shia, Taliban and Japan all work together! First we became unable to throw sodomites off buildings because the kuffar airstrikes destroyed everything that’s higher than ground floor, then we couldn’t burn the Shia dogs alive because they blew up all of our oil, and now this! My cousin went out with a boy without permission a few days ago and I’ve been unable to get sleep over my inability to get her stoned to death to defend my family’s honor!” – a disgruntled Caliphate citizen said in tears.
“One of my wives walked outside without a niqab for 10 seconds, naked like a whore. They’ve converted the stoning sentence to just lashing, because of the stone shortage. I’ve never felt so cheated in my life, I had to rape my Yazidi slave the whole day just to keep my mind away from this injustice,” another citizen said. “Why won’t Allah, the Most Benevolent, the Most Merciful, give us stones so I can stone my whore wife to death?” – he said with a sigh.
A jurist at Raqqa’s Sharia court told us that stoning is an exactly defined procedure in Islamic jurisprudence, and that not just any stone will do. “The stone has to be just the right size. If you use a stone that is too small, the punishment may not have enough weight and you risk angering Allah. If you use a stone that’s too big, the one being rightfully stoned might die prematurely, and again you risk angering Allah. Then there is also the issue of salaf. We of course reject the kuffar innovations brought into Islam and adhere to the strict fundamentals laid down by the Prophet, praise be his name. Thus we cannot use just anything. Did the Prophet have concrete at his disposal? No, so we cannot use building rubble, of which we have become the chief producer in the world. Only the Shia dogs of Assad use concrete slabs for executions of war prisoners, we are better than that,” – the jurist told us.
Responding to one of our questions, the jurist also said that no one has been unjustly sentenced to stoning: “Insha’allah if the sentence was unjust, surely by the will of Allah they would manage to get out. You do know that we only break their arms and legs and back, tie them up with chains, wrap them in cloth, and bury them up to the neck, BUT if they manage to struggle free from this during the stoning, build a Jenga tower at least two and a half meters high, recite the entire Quran and destroy at least one UNESCO World Heritage Site, the stoning will stop and they are free! Because Allah wills it!”
It is still unclear how all the already used stones managed to disappear, but Mossad is generally accepted as the most likely culprit.