YAREN – The tiny Pacific island nation of Nauru has joined Saudi Arabia’s new anti-terror coalition, officials from the country have stated.
“We are totally committed to fighting the threat of terrorism in the Middle East and around, actually it is the number one priority of our country,” Nauru’s President Baron Waqa said at a press conference while looking at the map of the rest of the world with a perplexed expression, and continued: “Even though we’re absolutely dependent on foreign aid, let it be know that this has in no way influenced our decision. The idea that we need Saudi money or deals is as preposterous as the idea that the bulk of our economy is based on hosting Australia’s asylum detention center in exchange for aid…..I mean it’s a welcome help, but it’s not like we couldn’t live without it, on a national budget of $118.” Nauru was once prosperous and its economy was based on shit that was in high demand abroad. Even Saudi Arabia imported Nauru’s shit in bulk and a diplomatic source once told us that “they could never be able to bullshit so much today if it were not for Nauru.” But ever since the shit stopped flowing Nauru has been one of the most dysfunctional sovereign nations on Earth.
Nauru is the last in line of a list countries that have joined the Saudi-founded anti-terror coalition, some of them without even knowing it. “Yes, we added some of those countries without asking them,” Saudi Crown Prince and Defense Minister Mohammed bin Salman said, and also mentioned that he doesn’t see the problem and that people have been added to groups on Facebook by others without their knowledge or consent for years. “Why does it matter, who wouldn’t want to be in an anti terror coalition anyway?” he said.
“With the addition of Nauru, we have further strengthened our strategic geopolitical position in relation to terrorism, which is focused around logical Saudi allies, military pillars and regional cornerstones of stability and prosperity such as Togo, Chad, Senegal, Gabon and Sierra Leone, hopefully soon Lesotho as well, and we are also searching for poor extraterrestrial civilizations that we could add to the coalition as well,” Bin Salman also said. When asked will this new alliance that notably excludes Iran, Syria and Iraq (Shia majority or Shia-led countries) fight jihadist groups in Syria such as ISIL and Al-Qaeda linked Al-Nusra Front, Bin Salman gave a not so unexpected answer: “What? No! No no no you’ve got it all wrong! We must fight fire with fire! Hezbollah is a terrorist organization and so we must fight it with terrorism! We are going to be helping Al-Nusra! Did I say with terrorism? I meant freedom fighters oppressed by the terrorist regime! Yes we will also fight Assad! Actually no, there’s nothing new, we just re-branded what we’ve been doing all along. And of course we are also fighting ISIL all along, we bombed their territory back in February 2015! The bombs hit the desert, but it was the desert painted black on Twitter territory control maps, so it’s ISIL desert!”
Nauru has already dispatched a fishing row boat with a single fisherman armed with a spear. “We are proud to contribute,” Nuaru’s President said. “If he does not die of diabetes, it is estimated that he may reach Yemen’s Al-Mukalla port within the next twenty years with Nauru’s last sack of guano fertilizer. The fertilizer will help defend Al-Mukalla’s valiant defenders from Houthi terror, or it will be used in a humanitarian way to grow important crops, like khat.”