Russian air force starts using new “Allahu akbar” seeking missiles in Syria

LATAKIA – Russia has developed and recently started using “Allahu akbar” guided missiles in its airstrike campaign against rebels opposed to Syrian President Bashar Al-Assad “as well as ISIL sometimes”, a Russian military spokesman said.

The rockets and bombs reportedly use new state of the art technology with powerful microphones that can detect and home in on Islamist cries of “Allahu akbar” from hundreds of kilometers away with “relative precision”, according to the chief scientist at Russia’s Center for Research of Near-Precision Relatively-Guided Weapons which was established yesterday.

“These new missiles specifically target Islamists! No one can complain about Russia’s commitment to minimizing civilian casualties now!” – the chief scientist said as he was busy pushing boxes of airstrike footage tapes into an incinerator, adding that the missiles were extensively tested in Grozny which had been reconstructed specifically for this purpose. The missiles can also be fitted with powerful micro-speakers that play the Russian anthem as they approach the target, or alternatively a looped recording of Russian President Putin saying “Erdogan sucks dicks”. The missiles also feature a “target ISIL too” switch.

But the first use of these new weapons in Syria has already proven highly controversial because the weapons struck random homes and streets across the country as they homed in on one of the most common phrases in the Middle East. Russia has defended the strikes on random homes by repeating that “there are no moderates”. Latest information from the country reveals that Syria is now the only Muslim majority state without a single standing mosque.

ISIL has also adapted and has now began to use the “Allahu akbar” seeking missiles in what they call “assisted suicide attack” where they walk into a busy market and shout the phrase, which has now replaced their most used method of suicide attack, which was trying to change anything near Deir ez-Zor.