LATAKIA – The Russian aircraft carrier Admiral Kuznetsov has departed Syrian waters after its public relations and weapons marketing mission was successfully completed, the Russian Ministry of Defense said, while it “categorically denied” that the death of the entire population of Cyprus was due to carbon monoxide poisoning from Kuznetsov’s exhaust smoke, even after the ship reduced overall visibility on the Mediterranean down to ten meters.
“Our flagship’s smoke only killed terrorists in Syria,” a short statement by the Russian MOD said. “It’s a feature, not a problem.”
The carrier departed after it had run out of aircraft, and is scheduled for refitting in Sevastopol which will turn it into the world’s first submarine aircraft carrier, so that aircraft “can land on its deck underwater too”, according to the Russian MOD. It future crew members are allegedly already writing their wills.
After last week’s Russian MOD statement that read “Our carrier most dangerous carrier,” we couldn’t get it to clarify in more detail to whom it is actually “most dangerous”: enemies of the Russian Federation, its crew or everybody else.
Apart from turning Cyprus into the world’s most contaminated area and forcing the few survivors to seek refuge on the shores of Lake Karachay in Russia, a report which the Russian MOD denies and claims that it was invented by George Soros, the carrier also killed 30% of east Mediterranean wildlife, while Russia has denied that this has anything to do with eliminating caviar producing competition.
Half way to its destination, the carrier did turn its engines off in order to be towed by smaller ships for the rest of the way. The Russian MOD said that, although the carrier runs on 99% renewable energy, this was part of its environmental policy to reduce the carbon footprint of the remaining 1% and denied that it could be due to any kind of malfunction. After its 113th refitting is completed, it is rumored that the new submarine aircraft carrier will be christened by Donald Trump on the 25th anniversary of the Kyoto Protocols.
Note: After complaints of inaccuracy by the Russian MOD, The Daily Scimitar must mention that Admiral Kuznetsov is officially not an aircraft carrier but an “aircraft cruiser”. The Russian MOD stated that obviously if Russia cared about having a dedicated aircraft carrier, it would be much bigger and reliable, while also mentioning that this doesn’t mean that the Kuznetsov isn’t big enough or reliable.
Note 2: We apologize to family members of Syrian, Iranian and Russian soldiers for carelessly and insensitively using the word “towed” in our article, and promise to avoid using it in the future.