LATAKIA – Turkey lost its entire air force earlier today in the span of 67 seconds after one of its F-16 fighters took off from an airbase near the Black Sea. At the same time, the entire American anti-ISIL force as well as all allied coalition aircraft bombing ISIL in Syria, from Britain, France, Gulf states and others, were also shot down by the Russian missiles, as was Air Force One while flying over Pennsylvania in the US, Russian not entirely state controlled media has reported.
The fabled invincibility and flawless efficiency of the S-400 surface to air missile system was proven to be completely true today, as its missiles destroyed a total of 682 aircraft in barely over a minute. It also caused all radar and electronic warfare equipment in the region to catch fire, internet in Europe and North America to go offline for hours, windows shattered on the Burj Khalifa in Dubai, oil extraction on the Arabian Peninsula mysteriously stopped, Joseph Stalin’s corpse disappeared from its grave and the concentrated narrow radar beam of the S-400 system caused Turkish President Erdogan to experience an unprecedented, almost Kurdish independence-level migraine.
241 civilians on the ground were killed by falling airplanes, while Russia denied this, claiming that those were precision-guided falling airplanes and that they only fell on terrorists.
The Russian Ministry of Defense of Chinlessness first denied all rumors as unfounded, then a few hours later admitted that they indeed have shot down Turkey’s entire air force in a defensive move against a Turkish hostile act of taking off an airplane from its airbase near the Black Sea, which is within the “threat range” of 1,000 kilometers from the Syrian border. Russia has however denied that it shot down any American anti-ISIL coalition airplanes. This was before it then denied that it denied this and admitted that they shot down all other foreign aircraft over Syria as well for “infringing the legitimate and elected Syrian government’s sovereignty over areas it has not controlled or administered in three years which are filled with terrorists”. Russia has also loudly denied being responsible for the shoot down of Air Force One, even though this has today appeared in Vladimir Putin’s online CV.
“These aircraft were in blatant violation of Damascus’ sovereignty over the entirety of Syria of which they control 50%, and we asked them to stop bombing ISIL without permission and illegally saving thousands of Kurdish and religious minority lives. We had to act to prevent this gross injustice and criminal behavior of anti-ISIL air forces. We also deny that we are not fighting ISIL hard enough. We will defeat ISIL ourselves with the Syrian government’s permission, and have already allocated 120000000 NEI (Not-Entirely-Imprecise) bombs for this purpose. We may also get a few more bombers that are not 40 years old. Along with our expansion of the Latakia base to accommodate another entire two aircraft, we plan our defeat of the terrorists to coincide with our discovery of a cure for cancer,” a statement from the Ministry said.
A Russian Air Force officer denied that the S-400 has any sort of even the most minute weakness and told us: “We are lucky that our President Vladimir Putin has single-handedly developed this system for us. It’s an instant one button push war winner in 100% of the cases. It can even shoot down incoming bullets.”
Two alien UFO’s were also allegedly shot down on the Moon by the Russian missiles because they happened to be in Syrian airspace at an altitude of 300,000km, the alien craft’s cloaking technology not being able to stand up to the S-400’s technological perfection. Russia has denied that it shot down any UFO’s, while a newly identified extraterrestrial civilization has sent ambassadors to Earth to ask about unidentified armed men in green unmarked uniforms appearing around state institutions on their home planet. Russia has denied that these men are Russian soldiers, even though no one specifically asked.
Meanwhile, precision-guided barrel bomb airstrikes continue across rebel-held parts of Syria, while Russia denied that it hit a bakery during its 1600 bomb raid on on a Latakian hamlet. At the same time, western leaders continue to condemn Russia and ask for it to consider to stop winning the war.