VIENNA – The world’s foremost physicist, Stephen Hawking, gave the world his “greatest warning ever”, and it has to do with the war in Syria. He urged that the Turkish backed Euphrates Shield rebels in northern Aleppo province must not, under any circumstances, come into direct contact with the Syrian Arab Army forces just to the south.
Both the Syrian Army and Euphrates Shield rebels, as well as the majority Kurdish SDF, have been engaged in a long distance 10 kilometer race, the beginning of which nobody in Syria remembers anymore, to capture the ISIL held city of Al-Bab.
The massive, very high-profile press conference where Hawking uttered the warning was called by the UN in Vienna, as is the usual practice when Hawking announces that he will say anything, given the paramount importance, unparalleled insight, infinite wisdom and universal truth of his every breath. In front of an audience of hundreds of scientists and dozens of politicians from all sides, Hawking said that if the Syrian Army and Euphrates Shield rebels were to come into contact via a common front line, it would result in an event of “unimaginable, cataclysmic proportions, not for the Earth, but for the universe at large”.
“This goes far beyond the violent reaction between matter and anti-matter, which is minuscule in comparison,” Hawking said. “This is about the reaction between the Putin and Erdogan particles. Existence as we know it would cease to exist. Through the last several months, I have observed the center of exceptional gravitational pull and dark energy shifting from Dabiq to Al-Bab, due to the magnitude of the opposing charges of the military forces involved. Already the effects on space-time are evident, such as the perpetual slowing down of the race to Al-Bab to a near standstill, just like the observed perpetual slowdown of an object nearing the event horizon of a black hole due to the difficulty of infinitely slowed down light escaping the gravitational pull near it,” Hawking explained to a mixed crowd of wide eyed scientists, bored western officials, nodding Rojava representatives and mean looking Turkish and Syrian envoys.
Syrian Army and Euphrates Shield territory is separated by the ISIL territory around Al-Bab and by an adjoining thin strip of Kurdish-Arab SDF territory, just north of Aleppo city. The SDF salient is also referred to as Assad’s Shadow by Euphrates Shield fighters, Kurd Shield by the Syrian Army, and Yeah That Will Totally Work by internet observers. The official name of the Afrin SDF’s offensive eastwards along Syrian government territory is Operation TROLOLOLO.
After a brief pause to change batteries, Hawking continued:
“If you thought that my last year’s warning about the dangers of the incomprehensible speed of S-400 missiles opening a catastrophic rift in the fabric of the universe due to the compression of air atoms into a series of black holes because of the phenomenal air density increase at the tip of the superultrahypersonic missiles, then you must heed this warning a googleplex times more, for the consequences are as many times severe.”
“If these forces met up on the field, the combined energy behind them – the negative charge of the Putin particles which the Assad regime is made of; because prisons, chemical weapons and secularism are negative, and the positive energy of the rebellion, which is made out of the positively charged Erdogan particles; because freedom, democracy and child beheading are positive – would spell far greater disaster than the potential space-time catastrophes of Turkey closing the straits, America bombing the regime or Russia bombing the Kurds, which would be Earth-level catastrophes. This would be a Universe-level catastrophe. The physical paradoxes of matter, energy, space and time would even exceed the tandem paradox event of the rebels bombing Damascus with chemical weapons that they couldn’t have had, and the regime doing the same on the day that UN chemical weapons inspectors arrived to Damascus – both of which have been under intense research by scientists at CERN and the world’s top 50 universities. Al-Bab could become a literal door – into oblivion.”
“Perhaps we can push through another article about hospitals,” one western official said, trembling with enthusiasm. “Stall the regime from its sinister plan of destroying the world…”
“Of course, w-we aren’t in S-Syria to fight Assad,” a Turkish envoy continued. “Our objective is only to end world hunger and protect endangered apes, and we have to start somewhere. There are a lot of hungry people in Syria now, and if endangered apes ever migrate into Syria, we’ll protect them from extinction.”
“Obviously the Kurds need an internationally recognized state to separate the two and save the universe,” a Rojava representative said, to whom Hawking replied that the Kurds have been affected by the dark energy as well, and transitioned from a purely neutron state to a superpositivepositron state, their immeasurably progressive makeup itself seemingly defying all the known laws of physics, evident through the accounts of SDF men inexplicably growing vaginas due to being exposed to feminist particle radiation of unprecedented concentrations.
“Perhaps we shouldn’t fear this dark energy,” said the Syrian Minister of Disappearances. “Perhaps we should harness it, and use its power against the terrorists. Let’s not exaggerate: dark energy is still just ordinary energy, just like barrel bombs are still just ordinary bombs.“
“And we could find applications for the use of this energy that are beneficial to humanity as a whole,” a red-nosed Russian admiral chimed in, “Such as – to make a perfectly random example – powering large seafaring vessels.”
A Syrian Information Ministry official voiced that “In any case, it is now at least clear that, despite overwhelming efforts of the Jewish propaganda machinery, the apparent very slow progress of the Syrian Army through the years has been no more than an optical illusion due to light reflected off the progress being slowed down to an infinite slowness by this accumulating gravitational force north of Aleppo“.
Journalist Lizzie Phelan of Russia Today called Hawking “a lying Zionist rat” and continued in a monologue too exhaustive to be covered by this article, but which comprised mostly of the words shill, prostitute, stooge, payroll, agent, neoliberal, psychopath, IMF, military-industrial complex, color revolution, terrorist and more rat. She was finally escorted to the door 19 minutes later, amid protests of other RT staff about an attack on independent journalism.
A rebel representative also had to be escorted out after he exclaimed that Hawking is lying on behalf of the enemies of Islam who don’t want Al-Bab to be liberated, and that his Shia-Kurdish blood is clearly evident in his voice. He then got on a train to his home in Klagenfurt.