TEHRAN – The world is abuzz with the lifting of sanctions on Iran after the latest nuclear deal it had struck with the west. Many states and leaders have offered congratulations and expressed optimism about a sanction-free Iran, however some have also expressed caution, while others see this as the worse development in modern history.
The United States have expressed content about the current deal. President Barack Obama said: “Yeah I guess it’s ok, I mean we can always bring back sanctions if we feel like it,” and added that “making friends” with the Islamic Republic shows the United States’ consistency in its Middle East policy.
“It’s another strong boost to our ‘WTHAWD?’ (What The Hell Are We Doing?) Middle East policy. After being hostile to Iran for over 30 years, backing Saddam against Iran, backing the proto-Taliban in Afghanistan against the Soviets, then bombing Saddam, then bombing the Taliban that we supported, then bombing Saddam again and deposing him, then supporting Israel in its threats to Iran, then backing Jundallah terrorists in east Iran, then fighting ISI(without the L) in Iraq between 2006 and 2010, then pulling out of Iraq, then backing Libyan rebels who then killed our ambassador, then denouncing Assad and backing the Syrian rebels, then not backing islamist Syrian rebels but backing Gulf monarchies that back islamist Syrian rebels instead, then wanting to bomb Assad, then not wanting to bomb him, then supporting moderate rebels, then those rebels themselves supporting or being overrun by Al-Qaeda, then supporting moderate rebels controlled by Al-Qaeda again anyway, then bombing Al-Qaeda in Syria (Al-Nusra), then returning to Iraq to bomb ISIL, then bombing ISIL in Syria, while completely ignoring ISIL expansion in Libya, then not bombing them in Iraq because we don’t want to directly help pro-Iranian Shia militias, then making a wide anti-ISIL alliance in which almost no one but us bombed ISIL, then supporting the Kurds and later the SDF in Syria, while still clinging to Turkey which supports Al-Qaeda and ISIL and attacks the SDF that we support, and ignoring ISIL where it threatens Assad (Palmyra), while also sometimes bombing ISIL where it threatens Assad (Deir ez-Zor), while at the same time supporting Israel which periodically bombs Assad, and in the end trying to make friends with Israel’s enemy Iran, which supports Assad, who is supported by Hezbollah, which is controlled by Iran and is hostile to Israel, while of course still calling Israel a key ally, we can indeed say that the ‘WTHAWD?’ policy has been a phenomenal success,” – President Obama said.
Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu said that he had been crying non-stop for days, called the entire world antisemitist and said that lifting the sanctions on Iran is “worse than the Holocaust”.
“All of the people in the west and east involved in this travesty of history are no different than Josef Mengele,” – Netanyahu said through tears. “Lifting sanctions against Iran is like operating on living Jewish babies, there is no difference! Soon these western countries that have betrayed us will even start complaining when we counterfeit their passports to covertly kill Iranian scientists and allies in Iran and other countries. Now thanks to these people Iran can make a nuclear bomb unopposed and this will spark a nuclear arms race in the Middle East!”
When Netanyahu was asked how is it that Israel’s own few hundred undeclared nuclear warheads have not sparked a nuclear arms race, he responded: “We have always said that we may or may not have nuclear weapons. Well, the lack of a previous nuclear arms race is obviously proof that we don’t have them! But we reserve the right to retaliate with nuclear weapons if we are attacked. This is of course not admitting that we do have them, because we may or may not have them, but we will definitely use them if we think that we need to!”
Israel then bombed Gaza because a rock launched by slingshot landed into an empty field across the border. Netanyahu defended the overwhelmingly disproportionate military reaction by saying that “Israel has the right to exist” and adding that indiscriminate rock attacks “have decimated entire Israeli communities” and will not go on unpunished.
Saudi Arabian Minister of Defense and Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman said that Iran is a “rabid religious theocracy” with “inhuman punishments” and also a “state sponsor of terrorism”. He vowed that Saudi Arabia will continue anti-terror operations against Iran by helping Al-Qaeda freedom fighters in Syria, by organizing more targeted collapsing crane attacks on Iranian terrorists within Saudi Arabia and by increasing anti-terror cluster bomb attacks on dense urban UNESCO terrorist hideouts in Yemen. He also announced that Saudi Arabia will continue executing Shia clerics and activists within the Kingdom who persist in making unreasonable demands such as equal rights, legal recognition and freedom of worship, saying that one Shia activist will be beheaded each day in a new and ambitious government program called “The Daily Scimitar”.
Mohammad bin Salman also reached out to news outlets around the world to stop captioning pictures of him as “Saudi Defense Minister’s intern” or “Saudi Defense Minister’s grandson” due to his current age of thirteen, explaining that it is really Mohammad bin Salman himself in those pictures.
Former Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that the deal is a mistake for Iran and that the country is better off adding more zeroes to its currency because then they will “have more money”. He also said that he hopes that Iran “drinks the blood out of Israeli children until they are dry” and that Iran will turn Israel into “a new Auschwitz that didn’t exist anyway”, according to MEMRI.
China issued a short statement that it was unaware that Iran even was under sanctions and that they’ve been buying their oil all the time anyway.
Russian President Vladimir Putin praised the lifting of the sanctions, but then went back on his statement when he realized that it referred to the sanctions against Iran.
Amnesty International and Human Rights Watch expressed optimism about Iran’s opening up to the world, and added that they hope that this will mean they can finally be given enough access to seek out actual proof of stonings in Iran and the actual names of the victims. “We have been saying that women have been regularly stoned in Iran for the last few decades, now we may finally get a chance to try to find proof about it too!”
The Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant saluted the lifting of the sanctions and expressed hope that they may get the sanctions against their state lifted as well. “We have no nukes anyway, so why not?” – Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said, reminding that there are still eight countries in the world left that ISIL is not in war with and fourteen countries whose nationals they haven’t yet killed or executed, leaving plenty of room for dialogue.
We have been unable to reach Iranian reformists Mir-Hossein Moussavi and Mehdi Karroubi for comment. We were turned away from their homes by Iranian authorities which deny that they are under house arrest and say that it is actually just a long house rest with state protection. Our daily inquiry about when their rest will be over was answered with “Any day now” by Iran’s Justice Ministry, for the 1784th time.