HAWIJA – The Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant lost the city of Hawija in Iraq to famous Shia fighter Abu Azrael, who single-handedly conquered the city with a bicycle and sword.
Abu Azrael rode his small bicycle into the city at dawn, with his sword on his back, after which all ISIL defenders inexplicably disappeared. The famous fighter reportedly never fired a single bullet. The Iraqi PMU militias then rolled into the city, declared victory and sat down to eat the hefty supply of fresh shawarma that they had found in the town center, its origin also a mystery.
“We still don’t know what happened,” a local journalist reported. “Apparently soon after Abu rode into Hawija, screams were heard and all ISIL fighters seem to have died in a short span of time. There were no bodies, just flour and shawarma everywhere,” the journalist said.
Abu Azrael first famously used his bicycle to conclude the battle of Baiji in much the same fashion, after which local activists reported that Abu Azrael and his bicycle are to Iraq what the atomic bomb was to the United States in World War II.
What exactly happened in both Baiji and Hawija is still unknown, and Abu Azrael just laughs when he is asked that question. Shia fighters suspect that Abu Azrael is in fact Mahdi, the messianic “hidden imam” whose appearance will signify the coming of the Day of Judgement. Iranian Shia scholars deny this and say that Iran’s Supreme Leader Khamenei is in fact the Mahdi, and that the recently passed Day of Judgement proves this, referring to the lifting of the sanctions on Iran. ISIL argues that the Day of Judgement already happened in 2006, and believes that Abu Azrael is a satanic invoker of djinn whose powers are fueled by eating burnt Shia corpses, some even claiming that he himself summons US airstrikes. Many Arabs on both sides also believe that he is a result of Kurdish trickery and another veiled stepping stone to realizing the Kurdish master plan of Arab land conquest and oppression. Israel claims that the bicycle was created in Iran’s Bushehr nuclear facility.
The Iraqi government recently admitted that 100% of the ISIL defeats in Iraq are exclusively because of Abu Azrael alone, and that the Iraqi tactic on all stalled fronts and battles is simply to wait for him to arrive. Syrian President Bahsar al-Assad has reportedly invited Abu Azrael to train the Syrian Arab Army in bicycle warfare. Supposedly the SAA military brass thinks bicycles would be extremely useful for deep salient retreat operations. “The guided anti-tank missiles will just pass through the bicycle frame!” – a SAA officer told us.