ISIL withdraws its entire army into Dabiq

dabiq map

DABIQ – The Islamic State has recalled all of its fighters and military hardware into the north Syrian town of Dabiq, where it “awaits the apocalypse and final victory of Islam”, and ISIL online statement said.

“We are in no way losing on all fronts, but we have decided that the time for the Final Victory is upon us. We will await the Kuffar Armies of Rome in Dabiq! Let them come, let them all come! The Nusayri dogs who sleep with pigs. The Shia scum that let their women walk the streets naked without niqab. The Tricky Kurds, those snakes who flirt with Satan and let their whores fight for them! Let them all come, my beard is dry from lack of blood for too long!” – an ISIL official in Raqqa said in the online video and was reportedly killed by an airstrike 15 minutes later.

ISIL has suffered a string of major defeats last year and attrition has taken its toll. Suffering from a lack basic necessities like stones for stoning, undestroyed tall buildings to push homosexuals from and affordable Yazidi slaves, conditions in the Caliphate have never been worse. “It’s unbearable! Today we kept pushing this sodomite off a ground floor building for hours and he just wouldn’t die! We can’t live like this anymore!”

Dabiq holds an important place in ISIL theology, as the town where the final battle against infidels will occur, where Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi will personally behead Bashar al-Assad, Vladimir Putin, Barack Obama and Mahdi, as well as crucify Jesus Christ.

“As long as we are all in this important place, we will win, it is the will of God,” a confident ISIL fighter told us, adding that he is happy to have three other ISIL fighters stand on him due to the newly cramped conditions in Dabiq, if it means the victory of Islam. “Getting to the bakery is somewhat difficult as you have to climb to the surface, four people up, and then walk on their heads to get bread, and there is little privacy for raping your slaves, but otherwise it is good,” another ISIL fighter said, before he was executed for having slight misgivings.

After the news of ISIL’s move got out, the United States Air Force has reportedly cut its budget for bombing ISIL by 99%, as well as called on Russia to leave Syria because “jihadists won’t be a threat anymore”.

Iraqi officials said that now with ISIL gone to Dabiq and their Iraqi holdings deserted, it will take them only another two to three years to capture Mosul, Hawija and the rest of Anbar, and then another year toreally capture them”.

Turkey has stated that it does not plan to remove its forces from a base near Mosul where they are stationed, because they have determined that “ISIL is still a threat”. Turkey said that its troops faced retaliatory mortar fire after having “probed ISIL territory with their own mortar fire aimed at 90 degrees”. Turkey reportedly bombed the Syrian Kurds in retaliation.

Italy also reported that a few thousand Libyan ISIL fighter bodies had washed up on the coast of Sicily, trying to get to Dabiq. A photo of the lifeless body of a 20 year old ISIL fighter earlier recognized in multiple beheading videos reportedly sent shockwaves of sorrow throghout the Caliphate. “He was so young and never had the chance to blow himself up,” his brother said in tears. Germany said that it feels responsible for the ISIL fighter’s tragic death at sea and has invited his bother and the rest of the family to live in Germany.