PARIS – EU nations and the US released a joint statement saying that they are “appalled that war has left Aleppo”, at the international Friends of Syria XXVII: Better Friends of Syria than Syria conference. The statement referred to the Syrian Army’s capture of the rebel-held east part of the city two months ago. The conference was held in the wake of a Yahoo News report that Russia has bombed the last hospital™ in Aleppo again, even though there are no more rebels in the city and it is entirely controlled by the government.
“It’s terrible that the war in Aleppo ended, it would be much better if the battle and bombings were still going on, so that we could try to protect the civilians in the city,” French president Francois Hollande said. “Without the war, there are no civilians that we can protect because there is no fighting, so the civilians are in danger because they don’t have our protection,” he said.
Prime Minister of the UK, Theresa May, criticized Russia for the alleged hospital attack. “How many more last hospitals™ in Aleppo does Russia plan to bomb? How despicable and evil do you have to be to destroy every hospital in the city, and then even bomb more hospitals!?”
She continued by saying that Russia bombing hospitals in Aleppo even though the allied Syrian government controls the whole city is proof that “Russia just hates civilians”. She played a 144p recording made by an activist that shows the blue sky and in which the noise of a jet engine can be heard, citing it as proof of Russian involvement.
US Ambassador to the UN Samantha Power also commented Russia’s conduct, saying “You helped end the war in Aleppo, the war which could have lasted another several years. Have you no shame™?”, then left the conference after she remembered that she was fired.
An envoy from the Saudi Arabian human rights organization Zealously Inconsistent Nonsense Association for Begging for Increased Love of Approving the Betrayal of Rights (Z.I.N.A.B.I.L.J.A.B.R. for short) called western inaction “tragic” and gave the Saudi intervention in Yemen as a positive example of safeguarding civilians from Iranian terrorists. “So what if so many civilians died in our airstrikes in Yemen while we protected them from Houthi rebels, we prevented the Houthi pig Shia dogs™ from killing all of them! As long as the war is going on, we can protect more civilians!”
A Turkish official said that Syria’s Aleppo Province is “lucky to at least have a war still going on in Al-Bab, which has been dragging on for months because of Turkey taking extra care not to harm brotherly Sunni civilians in that city”. “That’s why we bombed all the buildings, we aimed for the walls to avoid hitting the people,” he said. “The elite Turkish backed Euphrates Shield force has done an excellent job at not killing civilians, preferring even to die and get defeated by the 25,000 ISIL fighters that we estimate are holed up in the city, rather than to accidentally harm their Sunni brothers, even though they are much better and more motivated than ISIL fighters.” He said that Turkey wants Al-Bab to become a better and more decent place to live in under Turkish protection. “We want an Al-Bab that will be the beacon of decency and intellectual and free thought in Syria. They are lucky that the Assad regime didn’t get to them first, we feared score-settling reprisals and purges such as mass expulsions of opposition-aligned public servants from their jobs and offices.”
A teary-eyed Syrian moderate opposition spokesman from the Al-Zenki rebel group made an emotional speech about “hundreds” of innocent women and children being raped and killed by Syrian soldiers every day since the capture of Aleppo, saying that “it’s worse than Nanking” and repeating the line “They’re killing children™!” several times.
The conclusion of the conference established that everything that has happened in Syria since the start of the war is Donald Trump’s fault, and that the lack of news of atrocities in Aleppo since its capture is Fake News™.